The Importance of Good Hygiene

2023 Eliza Donavan

A few years ago, I was in the business of computer repair, among other things. I did tech support over the phone, which usually took the patience of a saint, and an extreme exercise in empathy. There were four recollections that stand out in my memory, and I would like to share those. As I am writing this, 2023 is coming to a close, and this is usually the time for retrospection and sharing cherished experiences. I don’t have many of those, and the painful ones usually predominate.

But here are a few that are the exceptions…

Years ago before the advent of the optical mouse, there were these rubber balls that were used inside a mouse, which would move optical encoders on the inside and roll around. There was a residue that would build up on the rollers, and would have to be cleaned with a cotton swab or something similar. It was a regular thing, and it would be usually a month before they got gunked up again and would have to be cleaned. I called it the monthly, and some got the joke, while others did not.

One of the things I educated the computer users on was good maintenance, or computer hygiene. Basically keeping things clean like filters for fans, making sure keyboards didn’t get peanut butter and jelly gluing them down and the like, as that would require taking the keys off and carefully getting the sticky stuff out of the keyboard if possible. There was one instance where I attempted to explain how to clean the older type mouse, and it either was totally lost in translation, or something went horribly wrong. You can decide which one.

It went like this:

The customer sat down in the chair by the repair bench and I had his computer cleaned up. I’ll designate who is who by E for me and C for client. He was a younger guy in his 20’s and was picking up the computer for his girlfriend.

C: So it’s all good to go?

E: Sure. But there are some things I need to talk to you about first.

C: Like what?

E: Well, there are some things that need cleaning for them to work well, and you can do that yourself.

C: Like what?

E: (Sigh). This might be a little difficult, but there are these balls, you know the ones on the inside, and they need to be cleaned.

C: (Shifting around uneasily in chair) Oh. Don’t you think this is getting kind of personal? What does this have to do with…

E: It has everything to do with your equipment. These balls can get sticky if they’re not cleaned. Maybe you’re not aware of that.

C: Uh...yeah. (looking around nervously). I guess so. How did you know that?

E: Well, people ask me to clean their equipment, and that is a part of it. It’s very tedious.

C: You have to clean their balls?

E: Certainly. And sometimes removing sticky stuff from other places.

C: (Almost falls off chair, mouth gaping open). I didn’t know you did that.

E: Of course. Things don’t work well unless you keep them clean. I use rubbing alcohol.

C: Rubbing alcohol? Not soap and water?

E: Gosh no. Alcohol works best. Don’t use acetone. It can cause the balls to melt.

C: Really? I didn’t know that…

E: Oh yes. It’s very important what you use to clean them. I use a cotton swab to get in the right places.

C: Not a washrag?

E: Oh no, you want to get into the crevices so things move right afterwards. That’s important too.

C: Uh huh. I guess so. (Eyes wide and blushing)

E: But don’t use oil. It makes things slide around too much.

C: I think my girlfriend uses something else. I’m not sure.

E: Well, I need to talk to her too. It’s about her equipment too after all.

C: Uh… yeah. I guess so.

E: There is an online guide about this, so I can send that to her and she can share it with you if you like.

C: Well, I would rather read it myself. It’s personal after all.

E: OK. I’ll send it to you. Let me know if there is anything else I can do later, and that’s about it!

End of conversation.

The other incident, if you could call it that, was a secretary that called me with a case of uncontrollable giggling, and asked me to come to the office of a nearby machine shop. “You won’t believe it. Bring whatever cleaning stuff you need. We have a new girl here, and she is...(giggles) kind of (giggles) unfamiliar with computers.”

I was puzzled, but packed up what I needed and went over. I configured a Mac LC earlier to run some of their CNC machines, which reminded me of a chihuahua trying to tow a tractor trailer. It was way under powered, but seemed to work so far.

When I got to the office, I was ushered inside. “She’s still at lunch, so we have to be quick about it, but I wanted you to see this. We already took pictures.” I walked over to the computer and saw white stripes painted on the screen of the monitor. “Oh, you..have..GOT..to..be..kidding..me!” There was a little white bottle of whiteout next to the keyboard, and some small flakes that had already dropped off the screen.

“She printed it out and didn’t understand why it didn’t work...” She said. She was laughing so hard tears were rolling down the corners of her eyes. “You can fix that right? I thought of just washing the screen, but you were still in town.”

“Sure. I brought some alcohol, and it’ll be a few minutes. I think your newbie needs computer 101 lessons. Who hired her?”

She rolled her eyes. “Friend of the boss. You know how that goes.”

“Just let her know she can’t use the stapler on the screen either.” That brought a whole new wave of laughter. “Don’t worry, I don’t think she’ll be here too much longer.”

Actually, the shop wasn’t around too much longer either. They closed up weeks later. My client list was shrinking all the time. After 9/11 the economy was on a greased bobsled to hell, and people grumbled about it, but didn’t know how to fix it. It became a matter of survival, diversifying your skill sets just to pay for rising utility, taxes and food costs.

Then there was Ken. Ken was pretty bright most of the time, and other times...well...what could I say? He called me up and said his tower would not boot, so I told him to unplug the power cord and bring it in.

So that’s what he did...literally.

I saw him walking up the driveway carrying a plastic bag. I was taken aback about it, but watched him come up, like watching a slow motion train wreck in progress. He came to the door. “Here it is...” He handed me the bag. I looked inside. It was the power cord. “Where’s the tower? Is it in the car?”

“Uh..no. You told me to bring the power cord.” This was the ‘palm-on-the-forehead’ moment of the decade.

“OK. I can test the cord, but you have to bring in the computer unless you want me to go to your place, and I know it’s 30 minutes away.” He gave me a deer in the headlights look and I tested the power cord. It was fine. I put it back in the bag. “Bring the computer next time, WITH the cord.” I didn’t charge him, and he left with an odd look on his face.

Later, I get a phone call from Ken. “Darndest thing. I plugged the power cord in and it booted right up. Must not have been in all the way for the socket in the tower.” (That reminded me of the time I was doing tech support for the local internet provider, and most of the time we told the people to unplug the modem and plug it back in again. Most of the time that fixed the problem.)

Then there was the “Cold Boot.” A friend of mine was a programmer and penetration tester on the side, so I thought she knew the terminology. A cold boot was startup from shutdown, and a warm boot was a restart. She had some problems with what seemed like memory allocation not getting released from the apps, so you either do a warm boot, which works most of the time, but if things get stubborn, then you shut it down (cold boot), wait a few minutes, and then re-start it, letting the capacitors discharge from the power supply.

It sounded like a cold boot option was the best bet. “Just give it a cold boot, and if that doesn’t do it, bring it in and I’ll do a RAM test, unless you want to do it there.”

“Sure thing. Thanks!”

So I thought that was that. Then she is walking up the driveway with the tower. I put it on the table, and looked around to the side. There was a shoe print on the side of the computer, with a noticeable dent in it.

My jaw dropped with a what the hell look on my face. “What is that?” I pointed at the print. “You do know what I was asking, right?”

She laughed. “I’m not that bad. Sure. But with everything turning to shit lately, I got frustrated.” She shrugged her shoulders. “I don’t care about the dent, but if anything is salvageable, let me know.” I tested the RAM, and one bank was bad, and she needed a lot more for what she was doing, so an upgrade was in order. All went well, and I got the dent out of the side.

“OK Suzie, it’s all set to go. Do you want me to clean off the print on the side, or use some clear spray varnish over it to preserve the print for posterity?” She laughed, and said she would decide later and pick it up for now. I think she actually did do the varnish, as someone told me about the print later.

With all the stories circulating on the Internet about weird and unbelievable things that people do to their computers, I thought these recollections would possibly bring a smile to your face. If it did, great. I’m sure we will be hearing funny AI stories at some point if the scenario doesn’t go all Terminator on us. I hear stories about Alexa all the time, and perhaps that will be another article later.

Oh, and when the optical mouse came out, it took all the fun away, didn’t it?

A friend of mine told me about the time her mom called Gateway support about her new computer not turning on. The Tech told her to check the plugs to make sure they were secure, which she did, but when she turned the power button on, as he advised, nothing happened. He asked if the unit was plugged into the wall. Yes, she replied, so he again told her to press the power button. She did and nothing happened. Baffled, he asked her, “Ma’am, which button are pressing to turn the unit on” She replied, “you know, the one on the monitor.” My friend says she laughed until tears ran down her face.